The Story of Us

Better Than the Birds

2012-01-15T08:45:00.000-08:00

While surfing through my normal list of blogs that I follow, I happened on a post at one of my favies... go check her out here!

She states: "Courage doesn't always roar. sometimes courage is a little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.' "

How much did I need that?! Between my ~~job~~ the thing I go to once or twice a week these days, trying to find a cheaper apartment because of my lack of income, trying to sell the car because of my lack of income and trying to maintain a happy face despite my obvious misery with all of this upheaval… I’m spent.

I love my husband, my dog, our place and our car. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. But this pressure wears on my already fragile mental state. I now spend my days filling out resumes/applications online for HOURS.

Side note: I miss the days of walking into a business with a resume in hand and speaking with someone about a position.

Every morning when I wake up, I mentally brace myself for the time and energy I’m going to spend on a resume that probably no one will see.

And then I read her post. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Unfortunately tonight I will be working but at least I can go in with a smile and know that I am ok. He always ... and HAS always had me in His hands. So why am I stressing?!

Here is where I insert one of my favorite sermons of my lifetime. What man adds a minute to his life by toiling? (yes I’m paraphrasing). Do the birds spin and toil? Does God the father not provide food and water for them? Does He not clothe them and care for them? Are you not better than the birds?

So today, keep smiling, you ARE better than the birds!

we survived...

2012-01-05T17:59:00.000-08:00

we made it. It's 2012. I wish I could say it was a joyous year. although pleasant, and I got to spend it with my husband... it was THAT year. So here we sit. (by we I mean duncan and I cause kevin's at work). On my little blue couch in my little apartment with my not so little dog. So much to be thankful for....can i list them for my own sake?

1. we have a home

2. I have a job

3. I love my husband... more importantly he loves me :)

4. we have family who is supporting us all the way

5. I have netflix (score)

yup i think that about sums it up. So, moving forward. I would like to enumerate my wish list for 2012. Some call it a bucket list, I choose to call it a wish list. The main reason is a bucket list is a list of things to do before a deadline, a wish list is a list of things you hope for but won't be devastated if they don't happen. So here it is....

1. New apartment... that we can afford

2. new job... to help pay for new apartment and SSSOOOO much more.

3. Show my husband my hometown... for the first time

4. No major medical issues

5. A little miller on the way.

6. one or more credit cards paid off

I think that's a lofty list for one year.

let your light so shine...

2011-08-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

I stumbled on a blog today. If you have time, you should check it out if you have time.

Shine Project

What she is doing is amazing!! But she definitely reminded me about the light inside of me. It is not easy to be the only light in the darkness. It's quite lonely and often discouraging. Just last night I had an awful day at work. A day surrounded by negativity. It's so hard to stand strong in the face of such an obstacle.

I've always counted myself as a happy person. In my family, I'm the one people call when they need a pick me up. My dad once told me, you are my little star, you shine so bright, it's contagious. Don't ever stop shining on other people.

Somehow over the last few years I've lost sight of that. I miss being a happy person. I miss the exuberance for life that I once had. I realize that by simply stating this, the likelihood is that my day will be remarkably worse than yesterday, but I'm doing it.

So today will be Thankful Thursday:

1. I'm thankful for a husband who loves me deeply and wholly.

2. I'm thankful for a family that supports me through any and every dream I have

3. I'm thankful for a job that pays the bills. May not be a dream job but it's a job no less

4. I'm thankful for the few close friends that I can count on totally and completely

5. I am thankful for the light He has put in me. My ability to smile and laugh regardless of the situation.

ha! posts are funny

2011-07-26T10:02:00.000-07:00

So last wednesday was my last post. I proclaimed a day of rest due to an extreme amount of sore located all over my body. Well guess what, this week it will be on tuesday instead :). Unfortunately my 11 hour day did not go well and it took me a few days (like 5) to get back to normal. But, a few good workouts (thanks kevin), a night of foot massages and veggie lasagna (thanks again kevin) and a disney marathon (geez I love that man I married), I'm feeling ok again. That is until my workout on sunday. Crap! Now I'm sore again. This time I'm only gonna be down for 1 day though, I'm determined!

update...

2011-07-20T07:16:00.000-07:00

yes, today is going to be a rest day. Not only do i have to work an 11 hour day (bleh) but it actually hurts just to type. Yes, I am so sore I can barely move. So, there will be no workout today. maybe tomorrow :)

anyone seen my motivation?

2011-07-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

so day 5. Let's Review

1. Friday - leg press, calf raises, 1.5 mile run, crunches

2. Saturday - cross fit 1/4 mile sprints, sumo squats with chest lifts

3. Sunday - rest day, walked 2 miles with duncan

4. Monday - 4 sets of rows, bi curls, tri curls, and squats

5. Tuesday - cross fit - chin ups on the pull bar, push ups, crunches, squats

so I'm using ever avenue available to motivate myself. So here's the infamous "before" picture. I know it's not the best but I'm certainly not putting up a bathing suit picture! (not that there is one to put up). So we are just gonna have to guess according to my oversized arm. Here we go...

feeling successful

2011-07-19T10:28:00.001-07:00

a whole day to myself and what do i do?

1. dishes

2. glasstop scrubbed

3. laundry

4. workout

5. groceries

6. baking

7. toasting

8. cried at the TV

9. read

10. picked up husband

11....

phew i'm tired. Too bad today is my monday. Why is it that mondays have to come in and ruin a perfectly good "good day buzz?"

beginning to worry

2011-07-15T07:59:00.000-07:00

for two weeks now, my stomach has been a total mess. Every time I eat something, I'm in a total body cramp within the hour. I don't eat just plain ole crap food. We like to eat fresh stuff. I drink plenty of water and no sodas. My sugar in take is drastically reduced. So I am at a loss for whats going on. I can't get into my doctor until next month and have no idea how to make it stop.

this morning was even worse. I actually woke up in the same cramp. I hadn't eaten since a peach and almonds i had around 9:30 last night. What's the deal?!?!?

help!

I know you don't actually care or have any idea what's going on, just thought I'd vent about it.

back to the grind

2011-07-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

another day off come and gone. Back to the grind. I can understand the draw of a women to stay home with her family and feel like a great wife and mother (although my child is a 60 pound fur shedding machine). I realize I need something outside of my petite family but work just doesn't seem to do it. I'm relatively new to this "career" thing so please tell me. Is it just this job or every job that feels so ... worthless? so mundane. so empty. I realize it's not the company or the job itself, it's got to be me. I was raised with such ambition, such a desire to do something with my life.

so where to now?

catching up

2011-07-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

Lots to cover so stay with me...

So, since I've been out of pocket for a few weeks (you can thank my job and my temporarily questionable work ethic) I thought I would catch you up on what's been on my list of favorites.

I've been trying to complete this 2011 Challenge (see previous blog) but as it turns out, I've not been doing a 5K every month. I've actually read a book a month. If you knew me at all you would know this is a serious feat for me, with my add/dyslexia. So I thought you should know what I've been able to accomplish.

Impressed? Ya, I am too. But wait, there's more. If you keep reading right now... You'll see what I have on the hook for this month....

And yes, before you ask, that is a GRE prep book. I am once again considering Grad school. Why? When I figure that out, I'll post about it.

And finally, my new favorite dog toy. Ok so it's not a toy for a dog, it's a toy for a human having to do with a dog. Before you get freaked out, please let me explain. Even though our sweet little boy is a beautiful short-haired... whatever he is. We still cannot seem to keep up with his constant shedding. I mean seriously, we vacuum twice a week and still have to empty (we love our perfect dyson!!) the barrel 5 times for our 1 bedroom apartment. (what am I going to do when we live in a house with children?!?!!?) The solution? Meet the Furminator!!!!!

and the best part, Duncan loves it!! It's like getting his back scratched for a full hour. Talk about a two-for!!! He gets scratched and attention, I get rid of the mounds of hair equalling a large hamster every week. Don't believe me...

aaaaaaaaaaand, that is just one sitting of about 45 minutes. No trick photography or exaggerating! the millers fully support the Furminator!

oh the power of baking soda

2011-07-13T07:51:00.001-07:00

So all you super hero moms out there probably already knew about this magic mommy dust but I gotta tell ya, it's news to me. And oh what headlines it has made.

"baking soda and water mixture makes glass-top sparkle"

"soak out the stench of just about everything"

"what you've never cleaned your ipod workout case... where's the baking soda?"

"bath tub +baking soda = pristine comforter"

yup. All in a week. so I now have a top 3 cleaning devices...

1. Magic Eraser

2. Dyson

3. Baking Soda

thank you Anna for the life lessons that have taught me to manage living with a boy :) Check her out at her blog

http://www.askannamoseley.com/

A piece of me

2011-07-05T17:26:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure why, but the Caylee Anthony case has struck such a deep chord in me. That poor little girl went through so much. so much that we will never even know. I know she is in a better place being loved and held by the God I know . Years ago, my father wrote a beautiful poem. He never got to finish it because he lost his fight with cancer, but in such a dark hour, I fully believe it is still true. So, from the deepest part of my heart, where I keep my dad, here are the words from his heart.

You’ll See When You Get Here

Ken Maddox

February 19, 2005

Our Father’s ways are far above what we can understand

And often we may question the working of His hand

But we can trust His faithfulness, we never have to fear

His plans are always for our good. You’ll see when you get here

I don’t know why the Father chose to take me home this way

Before I had a chance to live and grow and run and play

But being in His presence, there’s no sadness and no tears

Everyone here is so happy. You’ll see when you get here.

Heaven is so very wonderful, and beautiful to see

It’s great to be with Jesus, and hear Him speak to me

And there’s no pain, and no disease, no anger and no fear

There’s only light, and joy and peace, you’ll see when you get here

And though you may sometimes feel that we’re so very far apart

I know that you will always love me and keep me in your heart

For now that I’m in heaven, I see you all so clear

It’s as if we were together. You’ll see when you get here!

The Father had a place prepared. It was something to behold

A mansion of my very own beside a street of gold

A lot of folks here told me that you all were so dear

And they are waiting for you. You’ll see when you get here.

And you won’t feel the sense of loss that’s hurting you today.

Because eternity will have begun and time will have passed away.

And you and I will be together with all who we hold dear

And we’ll never be apart again. You’ll see when you get here.

lost art of letters

2011-06-27T17:14:00.001-07:00

It's such a shame that going to the mailbox is a chore. I mean all that is in there is bills and credit card offers. Right? well, I'm going to change that. I want to bring back the art of letter writing. Such a small joy that brings when you discover someone has taken the time to hand write a letter. Ah! Why don't more people do it? I know we are all busy and have 1000 things to do in a day. But every now and then, why not write a letter or two?

See what happens :)

very disappointed

2011-06-26T18:26:00.000-07:00

So I found a great recipe for granola bars this week... too bad it's higher in fat and calories then the processed packaged ones we buy currently. that is so disappointing. Well, I guess it is comforting that we are choosing wisely but... still. How strange

i will never understand

2011-06-24T08:24:00.000-07:00

there are certain things in life that i will never understand. Child-neglect, infidelity, and laziness.

I will not discuss the first two. They are not the point. But allow me just a moment to vent.

When I began my journey in the pageant world, I immediately took to the interview portion. As any pageant girl knows, there are a few question you WILL be asked in an interview. It is just a certainty.

1. What will you do as Miss ______ to further your platform.

2. Why should you be Miss ______

3. What sets you apart from the other contestants.

It is the third question that I enjoyed the most. I felt my directors (both kim and krisna) had prepared me completely for this question. They imparted to me a deep respect for the responsibility and honor of being crowned. So I could answer this question with honesty. "I believe I am the right fit for this job because I understand the weight of the responsibility. I do not take this job flippantly but with a great amount of humility and sincerity. I have the knowledge and experience to fulfill the obligations as well as the drive to learn how to perfect my position."

That sense of responsibility and honor carries through to every interview I have ever had. When I applied for my latest position, I went in humbly and stated that I understood the rules of my position and the responsibility to give my very best because this job is not an entitlement it is an opportunity.

Why is this a foreign concept? Why am I the only person that seems to grasp this concept. I understand people become jaded over time, but this is ridiculous. Please remember, you HAVE a job! How many people in the US (alone) would kill for your position?

You are not a martyr. you get paid to do your job. So do your job!! Don't try to squeak by with the bare minimum! And PLEASE do not try to pull one over on me because you are too lazy to finish the job. That is unacceptable. I'm not asking for miracles, I'm asking for the norm.

I suppose, ultimately, I'm asking for integrity. For you to do what you have said you will do and do it well. So why do you look at me as though I'm speaking greek?

So frustrated.

success!!

2011-06-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

vacuum... check

dust... check

windex... check

bills... check

shopping... check

new shoes.... check

healthy chili... check

nails... check

happy husband.... SUCCESS!!!

dull

2011-06-21T13:32:00.001-07:00

I miss my many creative outlets. The only thing I seem to have now is reading. While that is relaxing it is not invigorating. Running wasn't working, cooking is in no way "fun" for me... what else is there? Should I take up knitting? How bout scrap-booking?

need some inspiration

2011-06-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

I'm in the mood to cook/bake. I'd love some new ideas for healthy cooking. Help me out, what is your favorite recipe?

finally summer

2011-06-07T07:37:00.001-07:00

well it would appear that summer has finally arrived. Just a few photos to make you wish your city was as cool as mine :)

a perfect chicago evening

2011-05-31T20:21:00.000-07:00

as much as i am DYING to get back to florida and what i call normal... tonight is the type of night that could make me think twice.

a beautiful walk down the river to the lake (which I always want to call the ocean... it's just HUGE), sushi and a cold beer on the docks and a leisurely stroll back to the house. Yup it was pretty perfect.

I understand, I would be jealous if I were you. :)

Just kidding! what did you do today?

no let up from this bug yet

2011-05-24T09:18:00.000-07:00

I thought maybe I could kick this thing but yesterday at work...

Sweet little came hobbling in on her newly-discovered legs holding the single finger of her mom. Blonde hair perfectly over-sized hazel eyes and one seriously beaming smile. So cute.

so in true "insider" fashion I located one of our stock stuffed animals and brought it out to her. Ha, oddly enough, she was more interested in my fancy bracelets then in the cute purple fish I was offering.

We played and laughed for a while playing the traditional "pass the toy" that children her age seem to love. She seemed to be the only bright spot in an otherwise *#$&y day. Just when I thought I was crawling out of the deep dark whole I was in (mentally), her mother laughed again at the sweet child and then offered, "you know, you are going to make a great mother some day."

and let the tears begin. I have no idea why I reacted that way. Maybe it was the already emotionally draining day, maybe I hadn't slept well enough, maybe it was PMS. In any case, I was done. Of course I didn't lose it in front of the guests, that's not cool, but man I died inside.

So much for beating the bug

Bug-10 Amy-0

tragically

2011-05-23T07:40:00.001-07:00

I appear to have been bitten by a bug. So many cute websites for little ones and all there sweetness...

Not good. We are soooo not ready for children and yet...

I honestly do not wish to raise my children in Chicago. I want to be back in the south where they can learn "Yes Ma'am and No Sir" like second nature. But...

No I'm not pregnant. But would it be an all-together bad thing?

I need to watch supernanny for a while. Maybe this bug will go away!

it's magic

2011-05-17T15:19:00.001-07:00

Mr. Clean Magic Eraser is true to it's namesake. It's pure magic! although I begrudge the need to get on all fours and scrub the oil and grease off my kitchen floor, my hatred lessened at the realization that I had a box of the little scrubber pads of glory.

I know this post is utterly pointless, but that's what is on my brain. Thank you Mr. Clean!!

not so much going on

2011-05-16T14:46:00.000-07:00

So my life has been pretty standard for the last few weeks. Work, sleep, work, sleep, date night, work, sleep. Somewhere in that timeline, I started back into a reading kick. Here are my recent thoughts.

1. Potato-peel Pie Reading Society, although interesting, not interesting enough to hold my attention. Maybe I'll be in the mood for it later.

2. Julie/Julia never gets old

3. Neither does The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks

4. Something borrowed, although I haven't seen the movie, I'm convinced it cannot be as good as the book. Even though I can only see Ginnifer Goodwin as the main character.

5. Just starting Something blue. I hope it's as good as the first.

6. Morning Glory. Next in line. I am on a quest to read the book versions of all the movies I love.

What are you reading?!

April is done, May in progress

2011-05-09T10:10:00.000-07:00

Here's the update on the 2011 Challenge

April was the kick-off. It started with kevin informing me we were running the "Run to Remember" for fallen officers. Too bad he only gave me about a weeks notice. Did I mention I wasn't working out at all at that point? Yea, not good. But it's for a good cause and so we did it. Here's the proof. (please ignore my uber red face, I look like this after I walk up the stairs. I love being Irish)

Then for May we did something a little different. My hotel requires its employees to do at least 2 community events a year. (sounds harsh but with my church background, this really is not asking a lot) So we signed up for the "Bark in the Park" hosted by the Anti-cruelty society. Clearly this is something near and dear to us. Unfortunately I don't have a picture of me with duncan yet, Gina hasn't sent it to me. But, I did swipe this one of Kevin and Duncan halfway through the 5k. Duncan decided that 60 degrees outside was just too hot and he needed a dip in the lake. Please note, this dog was born and raised in Florida and not one time went in the water there. That dog is so weird!

2011 Charity Run Challenge

2011-05-03T10:33:00.000-07:00

Being in desperate need of a goal and something to strive for, I have officially begun my 2011 challenge. I used to workout regularly while training for pageants. These days, though, it's a burden to walk to the bus stop. I know that sounds horrible but since our wedding in November, my life has been upside-down.

This past saturday, my husband signed me up for the "Run to Remember" 5k for fallen law enforcement. Something clicked. I had a new challenge.

Although it is not May, I haven't yet decided if this challenge will run for 12 months or just the 2011 calendar year.

So, help is needed. There are a couple ways to help.

1. Run with me. I know that sounds crazy but accountability is the best form of support for someone who struggles with motivation. You don't have to come to chicago to run, although if you want to, I have a fabulous couch to crash on. :) You can also run where you are and send me your stories.

2. Sponsor a run. The entrance fees don't sound like an extreme amount of money but believe me it starts to add up. Send me a message and I can let you know which runs I'm planning to do. Or, if there is one you would like to do but can't I will try to do it for you, just send me the info.

3. Donate. I honestly cannot wrap my head around running for the sake of running. So my 5ks will all be in support of a charity. the majority of them will be for cancer research since it is so close to my heart. Send me a message and I'll send you the link for which organizations I will be running for.

I really hope you will support me in whatever way possible.

thoughts for the day

2011-05-01T18:02:00.000-07:00

I actually really enjoyed the 5K yesterday. My husband ran the whole thing alongside of me , instead far ahead of me.

If you have been through puberty or high school, you are no longer allowed to wear the plaid catholic skirt. It's not attractive, it's trashy.

Customer service is a tough industry. No one is happy and everyone wants everything for free; even those in the service industry

I once thought I was a very outgoing person. I think it changes as one gets older. Now I just don't like people.

I miss my mom. My home town.

kevin makes an awesome tomato sauce.

a terrible person?!

2011-04-28T11:14:00.000-07:00

When we first arrived in Chicago we knew that we would be here for a minimum of 5 years. so getting my Illinois license was a must. I had no choice. Surprisingly, the sweet little old lady that helped me was an absolute delight. Unassumingly she checked the box "donor" without even asking me. As I skimmed the form to ensure the information was correct, I caught the error. When I mentioned it, she said "Oh don't worry, I'll change it before your license gets printed."

Turns out that sweet little old lady was a dirty liar.

So now I have received a letter thanking me and congratulating me on my decision to become an organ donor.

Oh crap.

I emailed the office, since they NEVER answer their phone. and received the following response back...

"Dear Ms. Miller,

We have received your request to have your name removed from the Secretary of State's Organ/Tissue Donor Registry. While we are sad about your decision, you may be assured that your wishes will be honored.

We are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused."

Seriously?! So now I'm making unknown people sad? This is awesome. now I feel like a terrible person.

how did i get here?

2011-04-27T12:26:00.000-07:00

chicago, 2011.

10:35 pm

my place of employment (which will remain un-named)

3 customers stand at my desk waiting to be told just how long it will take them the walk to the two blocks to the restaurant I suggested just moment before. (along with a helpful map and specific directions) my cell phone vibrates quietly. My husband's smiling face glares at me from the picture we took at disney and is now his photo when he calls. I know he's waiting in the drive along with our beautiful boy duncan (the dog).

10:40pm

finally slump down in the seat of our perfect little car. Duncan licks my face pleasantly as we begin our short trek home. Although kevin is not happy about coming to pick me up, he is happy that I informed him about the 2 muggings that took place on my hotel's street the night before.

10:50

elevator to our apartment. Neighbor hops on and invites us to the club room to watch "the game." side bar, we live in a city with many professional sports teams. Kevin and I occasionally enjoy a baseball game, he always enjoys a soccer game, and we LOVE football. But I am savvy enough to know, none of those things were happening tonight. (back to the story) "I think its hockey," kevin states as we enter our apartment. "hockey? seriously? We are not good northerners," I retort.

12:10 am

game over. Chicago lost. Still don't care about hockey. laying next to my husband in our wonderful bed. I realize, I'm so stinking lucky.

my very best friend and husband - check

apartment I love - check

job I'm actually good at - check

cutest dog in the world - check

12:15 am

completely content. absolutely no complaints

Another Day

2011-04-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

Another day of gloomy skies. How I pine after the sunshine I once knew. As a child I resented the onslaught of bitter tourist who crowded my beaches. As a teenager I secretly screamed at the out of state drivers that clogged my new-found roads of freedom. As a college student I sought my silent revenge by pouring regular coffee when the cheap, low-tipping-snowbirds would request decaf. Ha! I'll show you!!

(side note, a 10% tip is roughly equal to a D+ in school; 15% tip, to a C+; 20% is a B or maybe an A-; anything above that means excellence!)

Sadly, I suppose the joke is on me. Today, April 22, 2011 I sit in this gloomy northern city longing for the beautiful white sands of my youth. the sting of a (mild) sunburn, the smell of cocoa butter and aloe. What I would't give to spend the entire day in my bathing suit (even under my work clothes) because I know I will clock out and be on a towel in under 15 minutes.

in short...

Dear Chicago,

you suck from November to May.

sincerely,

Shivering in Chicago

mommy-gene

2011-04-21T09:42:00.000-07:00

so here's some jeopardy info for you

Toxic levels of Iron in a dog are 50mg per kg. So for our "sweet little boy" that would be about 500 mg.

how did i learn this, you might ask? Oh that's simple. Our "sweet little boy" decided that my iron supplement looked delicious. It was at this moment I suddenly realized (though to a much smaller degree) what a mother feels like when her child finds his way to the cleaning supplies.

there was scolding, hugging, an attempt at inducing vomit (it only worked on me), and finally a stifled call to the vet. Thankfully our "sweet little boy" only ingested 65mg so we are safe.

lessons learned for he day...

1. regardless of teaching, training or awful stench dogs will ingest anything

2. dogs do not have an auto-gag button

3. I can be a good mommy, if I can ever learn to put things out of reach

4. Speed dial is my friend

so many thoughts....

2011-04-21T07:35:00.000-07:00

yes, so many thoughts, in fact, that I thought a glimpse into my inner dialogue might amuse you... (yes i say dialogue, because I do actually answer myself)

"Ugh kevin's alarm went off."

"I hate morning"

"just a few more minutes of sleep. I don't have to be at work until 3"

"i should go workout"

"(sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, cough) maybe I'll workout tomorrow"

"coffee"

"did he take the dog out? oh, i hope he did. It's so cold outside"

"It's freaking april, why is it still snowing?"

"just 4 years and we can go back to florida."

"coffee"

"i miss the beach"

"i really should go to the gym, so i can go to the beach. It'll take me 4 years to get back in a bathing suit!"

"coffee"

"(sneeze)"

"stupid weather. let's see if I can be sick every month this year. That's a great record for your first year of marriage"

"he made coffee. I love that man"

"why did we get a one bed/one bath. Sometimes I don't love that man"

"good day chicago, they need to rename that show because it's never good news"

"$6 for a gallon of gas?!?!?! seriously?!?"

"what am i gonna wear today?"

"jeeze amy, GO TO THE GYM!!"

"what time is my bus?"

"crap, I gotta go"

the best part is, if you know me at all, I usually don't speak before my second cup of coffee. So all of this goes on in my head while I sit in silence on the couch next to my husband. He's not a morning person but he's much closer on the spectrum then I will ever be. So he's usually pretty perky in the AM which of course is utterly annoying.

anybody relate?

a beautiful year come and gone

2011-03-04T10:58:00.000-08:00

I'm not totally sure why I've been so sentimental the past few days. Maybe its too much benadryl for this stupid cold . At any rate, I'm trying to focus today.

March 4, 2011. Exactly one week until the day I turn 27. While some people in my life are verging on total mental breakdown due to pending change of age bracket; I seem to be increasing my gratitude for the events of my last few years.

It's amazing to me that I can go for weeks without thinking about my dad then all at once I'm a puddle with grief over his absence. yes, this week has been particularly difficult in regards to him. Although, something new is happening. I will spend a short amount of time aching for his company but it is now usually followed by an ever so quiet feeling of his joy and love. It's he's (both important "He" in my life) saying he is proud of me and he (they) love me. My life looks nothing like I thought it would while dad was still here. However, I somehow feel like he would be supremely proud of where I am. That makes my day.

So today, one week before the day he first held me and told me how much he loved me, I am feeling all of that love and affection all over again. Today is a good day.

so how bout a quick job down memory lane?

I LOVE YOU DAD!!

weird the way it happens

2011-02-25T10:09:00.000-08:00

so I spent the better part of my night (last night) missing my dad. There really wasn't a trigger. I was just overwhelmed with the desire to see him, hear him, laugh with him. I really miss his laugh. Not the curtesy laugh he would do by whistling through his teeth with a wide grin. No, I mean the deep belly laugh as he heaved up and down "like a bowl full of..." (no offense dad, but it's true) He would lay his head back and laugh, mouth open, volume up. Then slap his belly one time or clap his hands. When it was a really good one, he would tear up slightly and finish with a pleased sigh. I miss his laugh.

one of those days

2011-02-24T15:06:00.000-08:00

have you ever had one of those days when...

1. you have an interview at the first place to call you back in 2 months

2. you try to go to bed early but you aren't tired

3. your husband decides TONIGHT is the night I'm going to start snoring

4. You can't actually fall asleep

5. Your AC doesn't work because your new building is "going green"

6. Your husband gets called in to work at 8 (instead of his standard 12) so his alarm goes off at 6:30

7. Your husband doesn't take the dog out or treat his infected ears b/c he's too drowsy to think.

8. you can't find a single thing to wear for your interview

9. you make it and have a 2 hour interview

10. finish the interview then realize you have to go to the grocery store

11. You mindlessly wander around the grocery store wondering why you were there in the first place

12. make it home by noon and melt into the couch?

ya... me either

When the praises go up...

2011-02-23T10:59:00.000-08:00

So this is (technically) my step-niece, Kaitlin. although she's really more like a younger cousin. She's so sweet. We don't get to talk that often because she's in college and we both are less then stellar at keeping in touch. None the less, she sent me the sweetest email yesterday asking how she could pray for me. I filled her in about the job situation. Wouldn't you guess that today I got a call and set up an interview for tomorrow morning. I mean if that's not perfect I don't know what is :) love you sweet kaitlin!!!

a wife by any other name

2011-02-22T08:37:00.000-08:00

How bout a little sunshine today to balance out the gloom of monday.

It dawned on me late last night that this whole moving/marriage thing is pretty rough at times. Then kevin got home. Instantly, I was thankful for the man who gave me his name.

light bulb.

Could I have moved to chicago by myself? Sure. Could I have survived without him? Of course. But Why should I? I have my very best friend. The one who can make me laugh at any given moment, even through tears. The one who believes in me far more than I believe in myself. The man who makes me smile even when I'm blue.

i have a blue house with a blue window...

2011-02-21T15:13:00.001-08:00

outside the window, the snow just keeps fallin. So... the job search continues. Can't take Duncan out until after 5 (and yes as of right now it's 5:14, but I have been trying to write this post all weekend so I'm not taking him out until I finish it)

Last week I had such a wonderful outlook on my life. "I'm embracing my inner housewife." Which was in fact a great idea, except that was last week, this is this week and I no longer find joy in washing my husband coffee cup and french press then sitting down to my computer for more resumes.

So, I'm begging... does anyone have (a.) inspiration to reinstate my love of housewife-dom (b.) a job offer (in my field) that will release me from this apartment.

oh the possibilities

2011-02-18T09:58:00.000-08:00

what to do today...

1. continue applying for positions that probably will not even consider me

2. walk around spending money we don't have

3. read the books I checked out of the library about starting a business that I don't think I'm ready for

4. sit and watch lame TV sulking and feeling bad for myself

it's ok, I know you are jealous of my life.

mommy instincts

2011-02-17T08:05:00.000-08:00

well if I ever questioned my maternal instincts, I am now reassured.

poor little baby boy. Double ear infection, growth on his neck, growth in his mouth and nails cut. poor thing. I just wanted to scoop him up and hold him all day.

Even though he's not allowed on the couch I will probably spend the afternoon on the floor with him.

Do stars go to the DMV?

2011-02-15T16:18:00.000-08:00

If I were to walk into a DMV office in LA would I find lindsay lohan applying for a replacement license? Where does matthew mcconaughey go to renew is motorcycle license?

Well,in Chicago, there is a stuffy room in the basement of a huge building. When I walked in around 2:30 there were 8-10 rows of 10 chairs and every seat was full and the line to get in was 5 deep. Thank God for the Iphone... wait... cement building, basement level... the written word solidifies my love.

It gets better. Turns out you have to take a written test after IL takes your money. AWESOME! Thank goodness I have a photographic memory.

The silver lining to this story... Turns out I took a pretty good picture. AND the guy taking my pictures said I smiled like Miss America. Who needs chocolate? I had a fairly good day. :)

valentines in the windy city

2011-02-14T09:52:00.001-08:00

My valentine's day. Unfortunately my valentines day will consist of resumes, Insurance companies and dinner alone. Thank you, kevin's job. But before you get mad at the new husband (who hasn't channeled the spirit of February's patron saint) I will share what we did this weekend which was much better.

To your right, you will see part of my gift to him. He is a HUGE car buff and was totally stoked to spend the day drooling over things we will never own. I now completely understand how men feel about shoe shopping with us. Although, the highlight was watching his face light up as he told me all about each and EVERY car.

Next was my portion of the gift. He took me to dinner at one of chicago's nicest restaurants. Trattoria #10 is absolutely beautiful.

On Sunday we decided to explore the city. The temperature in the city has finally reached comfortable so we hooked up Duncan and off we went. Apparently my husband had a double life and is actually a photog. Who knew? but the majority of the day was spent with him crouched somewhere getting some shot and me holding duncan back from sniffing/licking a passerby.

Yup, that's him. On an upside, he did manage to put the camera down every now and then and just enjoy the sites with me. We ultimately walked 5 miles and rewarded ourselves with a cheese and wine night. it was great!

Apparel Care Specialist

2011-02-11T10:42:00.000-08:00

yes that is my new title. There is very little prestige and even less chance of promotion. But hey, it's all about the client. As long as the client is happy then my work is done.

satyrical? perhaps. Honestly the picture of my life? Definitely

SUCCESS!!!!

2011-02-10T18:36:00.000-08:00

My day might have been lost to such randomness but today I proved to myself that I can do this. I can be a wife. Nothing earth-shattering but slow and steady!!

Tomorrow I will attempt bread... maybe

my my my how things change

2011-02-10T16:50:00.000-08:00

so I began my domestic quest today with lofty ideals of healthy oatmeal cookies and homemade bread... this is what i ended up with...

steamed rice with grilled chicken and apples in a lemon brandy sauce with steamed broccoli. may seam simple to you but I, on the other hand have never attempted something like this. Though a leaning slightly towards the blander side of things, I'm intensely proud. Too bad my husband is working late. He'll never believe I made this :(

today is a new day

2011-02-10T11:41:00.000-08:00

It has been far too long since last I posted. So I thought this would be a great time to fill in the blanks... enjoy the showLike I said, new ring...

new goals... my first 10K

New memories with the girls....

My man goes to DC...

My new husband...

My new family...

my new city...

Our new home!

Now if only I can get that "new job" we'd be set. Frozen, but set.

So now you may be wondering why the sudden onslaught of updates. Well I have a secret addiction that I am not ashamed to admit. I love The Barks Blog. She is just so stinking creative. I am even attempting her fabulous looking bread recipe tonight. for all who know me, that is incredible. I don't cook but I have been known to bake on occasion. she really did just make is look too darn easy. So since I have no job, no child, no real purpose to speak of I have set my mind to the building of my homemaking skills and my business. yes I said it, my business. But to find out more on that, stay tuned.

twenty something and shocked

2011-02-07T09:40:00.000-08:00

Today my world is different. Today there is no magic, no whimsy, no disney. Today is real life. Dark, painful, suffocating. Today something in my was jerked out of my bubble. I don't know how to get it back. don't know if I CAN get it back. Today is a sad day.

Twenty something and honored

2010-04-27T23:12:00.001-07:00

He chose me. After all this time, ridiculous drama, countless life struggles and mounds of emotional baggage. He looked passed it all and picked me.

Yes I could make some hyper-spiritual reference here but that wouldn't be like me at all.

Truth is I'm honored by the man that has chosen to be my life long partner, my fiancé and husband. I chose him 5 years ago but the timing wasn't right. So here we are.

My point is that I look at the most beautiful ring on my finger and am overwhelmed with joy that all of it is real. He is mine. I was right. But most of all that I've found my place... Finally. What a strange, unfamiliar feeling.

I love you Kevin and I can't wait to be your wife, your best friend and partner in crime! :)

Twenty something and curious

2010-04-13T18:35:00.001-07:00

Purple
Blue
Green

What is your vote?

twenty something and rosy

2010-03-25T11:02:00.001-07:00

here are my happy thoughts...

coffee on the couch cuddled up with him

trying on wedding dresses

comfy blue couches

my new nephew

apartment shopping in strange towns with him

oddly enough my rental car

seeing my friend tear up when she finds her wedding dress

a sparkling clean apartment

paying off my car on my birthday

my papa answering the phone "hello mrs miller" :)

videos of Jaime's son Henry

coming home from work tonight to see Mr. Miller

motorcycle rides with him

La Place with the Ladies

Shanananana singing happy birthday on my voicemail

what are your happy thoughts?

Twenty something and drifting

2010-03-22T22:58:00.001-07:00

What a strange date and time for my thoughts to be drifting towards my dad.

I really wish I could hear him laugh. Such a good laugh.

I miss you dad

Twenty something for another year

2010-03-10T09:28:00.001-08:00

Happy birthday to me!

So I'm not really a fan of new years resolutions because generally they don't work. My goal for 2009 was to make it better then 2008. Seemed easy enough.

No family members with cancer, check.
No family members died, check.
No major life changes, check.

So now here I am less than 24 hours from another birthday. I believe I will continue the goal I set on January 1, 2009.

This year will be better than next year. Beginning March 11, 2010 :)

twenty something and musing

2010-03-04T10:49:00.000-08:00

sunshine....

hatchbacks....

flowers...

skiing...

blue couch...

white sand...

shiny things...

bonneville...

ya my brain is weird

twenty something and floating

2010-03-03T19:15:00.000-08:00

Everything is upside-down... so why does it feel right?

maybe it's that everything has been upside-down and someone just flipped my snow globe to the other side? The side it's supposed to be on?

I've always lived pretty backwards, my own drumbeat and all, is this what "normal" people feel "normally"?

everything is wrong and yet i'm so peaceful, so content so indescribably happy :)

twenty something and annoyed

2010-03-02T09:45:00.000-08:00

someone explain to me why an eye exam at one location can cost $75 but the same exam at another location (of the same company) can cost $100 simply because the doctor is not on an insurance coverage plan. BUT i don't have optical insurance so why would it matter if he's on the plan or not? I'm so confused and frustrated. I just want to order contacts. They fit, I can see perfectly and there are no problems. Can't i just order them? UGH

twenty something and amazed

2010-02-24T23:00:00.000-08:00

you have loved me for years but you didn't see me

you saw my talent but never the full potential

you loved our life but never our future

you desired me but didn't appreciate me

fast forward... here we stand

with passion in your eyes,

adoration in your words,

dedication on your lips and

comfort in your arms

you see me.

you "get" me.

you love me.

twenty something and counting down

2010-02-18T19:34:00.000-08:00

10 ... o'clock at night

9 ... what time i should have gotten up this morning

8 ... the time you should be here tomorrow

7 ... loads of laundry to fold before you get here

6 ... the number of outfits i've tried on for when you get here

5 ... hours worked today waiting for you to get here

4 ... the number of times i've had to reset the power in my house so it will be on when you get here

3 ... days of your smile being here

2 ... number of tables to serve before you get here

1 ... more night of going to sleep without you

twenty something and impatient

2010-02-17T18:49:00.000-08:00

AAAAHHHHH 2 more days !

2 more days....

twenty something and day dreaming

2010-02-15T21:50:00.001-08:00

day dreaming of places not here...

of events to come...

of people i miss....

of possibilities unforeseen...

of napa, sonoma, disney, france, spain, italy...

of actually falling asleep tonight...

twenty something and random

2010-02-11T18:50:00.000-08:00

yup. that's me... random! i can think of no better word to describe what happens to me and by me and as a result of me... just random.

on a lighter note, there are some things in the works that may make my life exponentially better. stay tuned (both of you that "randomly" read my blog)

but alas, for me tis time for bed. valentines weekend is upon us and my depression as a server...a single server...a single 26 year old server...a single 26 year old server in a tiny town... is only worsened by the rose-colored, champagne popping, engagement ring in the dessert doom awaiting me for the next 3 days. UGH! glad i stocked up on coffee.

but no matter, another day... another table... another steak... another check... another tip.

night night!

twenty something and implacable

2010-02-01T21:52:00.000-08:00

attempting to forgive... failing

attempting to forget... failing

attempting to move past... failing

attempting to progress.... failing

attempting to be inspired... failing

attempting to heal... failing

attempting to stand, yet again, regardless of the agonizing weight of it all, the aching body rendered weary, the burning eyes which house no more tears, the shards of my heart piercing flesh as i push up from the floor... succeeding.

i am not perfect, i am not extraordinary. I possess no supernatural powers of strength or intelligence. I carry no genetic advancements or prodigious level talents. However, i am steadfast in my resolve to stand and continue to stand until i accomplish my goals.

my first giant slushy

2010-01-30T10:03:00.000-08:00

yesterday was a lot of firsts for me.1. first official snow day

2. First official snow day from work

3. first official "heavy" snow

4. First time driving in snow

it was crazy! my car did great (minus the obviously possessed alarm system) so here a just a few pictures to show you how my day went.

twenty something and distracted

2010-01-26T21:46:00.001-08:00

here i am steadfast and determined... unwavering... a veritable fortress.... and yet that tiny little voice. They creep in so quietly, so stealthily. Do you intend to do this? do you try to make me crumble? unfortunately for me, i rather enjoy it.

sweet sweet misery.

(p.s. for the record this is not a sad post, not depressed or down-trodden. actually quite the opposite)

twenty something and determined

2010-01-25T20:05:00.000-08:00

For anyone still holding out hope that i will post some beautifully poetic monologue on the meaning of life or something... you obviously don't know me.

So for tonight i have come up with something i need to hear personally and maybe you do too.

I will not give up. I am strong and determined to succeed. Although at this date and time my prospects looks about as bleak as my credit score, i will not be deterred! I will make it, come hell or high water (and i've had both recently). It's true that i may not be able to pay some bills on time, buy anything for myself and can probably barely afford food; but i don't care. I WILL succeed.

Mark my words... These loans will be paid off in the near future. My car will be paid off THIS year! and i WILL have a job in the next two months!

Not too profound but it's what i need to hear!

twenty something and bothered

2010-01-24T21:51:00.000-08:00

So, it's been a while (you should be used to it by now), sorry for the negligence! It's been one hell of a roller-coaster these last couple of months.

Here's a short recap to catch you up before i get to the meat of this post....

July - left my "day job" which turned out to be a total sham! Thanks for that!

August - Went to Chicago with Jenn, left me painfully short on cash but quite frankly worth every second! Can't wait to go back!!!

September - broke up with the guy i had been dating for a few months. Learned a few lessons, a. don't date someone so much younger than you; b. dating someone 2 hours away is pretty hard

October - starting dating a new guy. He was wonderful! i knew almost instantly that this could really be something special.

November - he came back in town on thanksgiving (so i didn't go to my family reunion... sadness) which became our first "official" date.

December - CANCUUUUUUUUN! We might as well have been filming a short documentary for MTV on why you should never take a trip with 6 women! Oh well, I'd go back. (just with different circumstances!) Also that boy came in town for christmas, with the intention of us driving to MN to meet his family. Blizzard hit. No MN. So we re-packed and went to florida to be with my family. (No sense in not bein with family right?) GREAT! meet the family, it's casual, everything is going swimmingly.

January - relationship is over. Lessons learned... a. everyone has baggage, question is how much are you willing to help carry? b. dating someone 12 hours away is even harder! c. i realized how unhappy i had been over the last few years and how much i missed being the happy-go-lucky amy!

And finally, which is the real point of this post... I also received an email from my Tally Ex. haven't talked to him in the two years since we broke up. Thought I was gonna marry him. Problem is he didn't think the same thing. (sadness again) Apparently my blog is too depressing. I didn't think that was the case but what do I know? My attempt was a sounding board for thought provoking posts. I realize that sometimes inspiration to write comes from a place of anger or sadness and so yes, I have posted in that sort of tone before.

Please allow me to take a moment to now clarify. Yes, the last 3 or 4 years of my life have been painful due to unspeakable suffering and loss, growing pains, separation, anxiety, stress (both good and bad) and trial and error and of course, learning experiences. But i'm here to tell you that for the last 3 months, I've been happy. I'm finding joy in life again (maybe not so much MINE specifically but life in general). I'm talking with God again and we are ok. I'm working through all that baggage that i've carried around for so long. And anyone who knows me, has recognized it and applauded it.

I've also learned this month to stop surrounding myself with negativity. Ya, it may seem like a simple lesson but not always. Stress and unhappiness can come from such unlikely places, sometimes the very thing that you claim to make you happy.

So, now that you have stopped reading and are thoroughly bored, i will say adieu.

twenty something and blushing

2010-01-11T22:15:00.000-08:00

so last i had a conversation that made me wish... for many things. I can't explain it. well i can but i probably won't for fear of regretting it. I read a chapter from Julie Powell today that made me think. Yes, we are in fact living in a time of instant gratification which leads us to things like blogging. Instantly uploading our every thoughts and whims into a page that we are convinced someone is dying to read.

but is my life really that exciting? do you really want to know who i talked to and what it made me wish for...............

twenty something with no excuses

2009-11-08T09:18:00.000-08:00

I would love to say my life has been so wonderfully packed with excitement and adventure of which I could endlessly post stories and quips... but tragically I have no such tales.

life has been relatively boring. With the ending of yet another "mismatch" I am left sitting in cleveland ... waiting. I hate waiting, in every sense of that word. I sit waiting for something to happen because frankly I have no idea where I want to go. I also wait on others to decide how they want their steak, which cheap bottle of wine they'd like to try tonight and exactly how little they can get away with tipping without feeling guilty. (I wish guilt on all of you who do that... KARMA!!!!!)

anyway... I'm still struggling with the idea of grad school although my lack of desire to study for the GRE is kinda determining the outcome of that for me. Mom and I did actually get our business license and A&M Events is up and running... well it's up I'm not totally sure about the running part. But we will see where it goes.

Truth be told I'd love for it to go to texas. Not that I have an innate desire to live in texas, but... well that maybe a post for another time.

For now... I will just wait.

twenty something and bitter

2009-07-13T08:59:00.000-07:00

yup...that's right, bitter. I won't go into the details but let's just say that my patience is wearing thin and I'm getting antsy. I hope another move is not in the near future but if I'm forced to sit still and quiet much longer I fear I might just pack up and move to Greece. (it's kinda my M.O.)

twenty something and empty

2009-07-06T22:54:00.000-07:00

Photo by Saskia Eubanks

This is me... laying in bed, empty, lifeless... listening to the very song I'm supposed to be singing on sunday. Of course, I do this to myself. I spend so much time searching for the perfect song that will "speak" to people and touch THAT place in their hearts that needs healing or whatever other "christianese" you want to place here. And yet I am still shocked at the utter backfire of this request. I suppose part of me feels that in order to minister I must understand those I'm ministering to. Sounds easy enough right? Ya, no problem!

Right on cue... the thoughts start... How on earth can I touch people with nothing inside of me but this crap that has been gathering and building and seems to be such a wall between me and God. And for the record, No I am not blind to the irony of choosing a song named "open my heart" considering the utter lack of openness in my heart over the last 5 or 6 years.

So here I sit, listening... memorizing... feeling... absorbing... BAM! there it is. I've always heard that we are to be empty vessels for Him. but what does that even mean? Who hasn't flashed to the scene from Ghost where Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze gently craft pottery together? (don't go too far with that example I'm just talking about the pottery here.) However that's not reality for us as "vessels." It's more like the mind-numbing and meticulous chipping away of excess, much in the way Michelangelo's David was crafted.

Ok, I can handle that. It sucks. It hurts but OK. So laying here in my bed, listening to this song say "I open my heart, fill it with nothing but You... Lord cleanse me... until all that remains is the earnest desire... to open my heart and be filled with nothing but you." hmmmm.....interesting.

Tonight it occurred to me. the higher the walls of this vessel, the stronger it is, the more it is capable of holding. Perhaps you should also understand that I've often been referred to as "strong" ... whether meaning "strong willed," "strongly opinionated," "stubborn" or otherwise. At this point in my life I've come to loathe this title and usually grimace when someone points it out. Yes, I suppose I have a fortitude that could rival a military compound but I KNOW what it cost me to have this fortitude. What I had to endure and survive and ultimately forgive. It's not glamorous or enviable in my humble (and bitter) opinion.

None the less the thoughts started creeping in that perhaps because of these things that I have endured, maybe... just maybe I'll be able to hold just a bit more of Him than I first thought possible. Even as I'm writing this I am cringing at the absurd cliche of it all. But whatever, have you met my parents?

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe being strong AND empty isn't such a bad thing. Maybe... just maybe.... it will be filled with something far beyond anything I "could ask or think"

oh my... it's late and I fear a song is welling up... must be time for bed!!

twenty something and forgot to post pictures

2009-07-05T12:29:00.000-07:00

Ok so these are just some fun times from the last 4 months. These range in origin from school, to family, graduation to california. lots of good times. will post more later

twenty something and boring

2009-07-05T10:57:00.000-07:00

so apparently i haven't posted a new blog since february. My life is so boring... or maybe i'm just so busy. Well...was busy. So here's the last 4 months in a nut shell.

1. Feb, blonde chick in my 745 continued to get on my nerves, so i stopped going. It's a good thing i lived with a theologian. I still got an A in the class :) Also went to Peru with the folks. FABULOUS!!! far too much to write on that subject.

2. March, spring break in orlando with shanananananana... wonderful time and a sunburn.

3. April... SCHOOOOOOOOOOLLLLL and another trip to orlando.

4. May, graduation, new babies in the family, california trip, big girl job, florida trip, bristol trip, florida trip, bristol trip... lump on my back... oh crap!

5. June, lump on my back gone, thank God!! highly traumatic event. Job A, Job B, Job A, Job B...hello July

so did you catch all of that? went by fast...believe me! that's about what it felt like for me! sorry i'm not feeling all deep and philosophical today. Perhaps another day.

creatures of habit

2009-02-12T05:01:00.000-08:00

every tuesday and thursday morning i slap my alarm clock to make it shut up around 6:30 am. If you know me at all, you know that me and 6:30 don't get along!! but i pull my lazy bum out of bed, begrudgingly dress and make a b-line for starbucks. Kyle, my starbucks/facebook/cleveland friend has a knack for making me feel better about life in general. Plus, that's where they serve the coffee :)

So with my full warmed mug i head to class which starts in five minutes at 7:45 but don't get me started on that... why do they have to have class at 7:45 in the morning? Moving on...

So it's now a full month into class so we have been in this particular class roughly 8 or 9 times. If you remember from you college, high school or even middle school days you must choose your seat wisely on the first day. Why? Because we are creatures of habit. The seat you choose on the first day will probably be where you sit for the remainder of the semester and believe it or not speaks volumes about the kind of student you are.

I assessed the room and on the first day, chose a seat in the middle row all the way against the wall because that's where the power outlet is for my computer.

So what am i supposed to do this morning when i arrive at class at assume my seat. Only to have the little blonde thing next to me, turn and say "Um, i like, have a friend sitting here... can you sit somewhere else?"

I wanted immediately to flip my hair, bat my eyelashes and state "NO." Unfortunately for me, my coffee had yet to have an affect so instead i just stared at her like she was an idiot then said, "sure i'll be happy to move from the only seat i have sat in this semester."

So here i sit in the back of the classroom, not paying attention because i'm writing this stupid blog about a stupid offense that shouldn't even be bothering me. And yet it does.

and for the record, her friend never arrived.

what do you want

2009-02-08T17:36:00.000-08:00

This is the question someone asked me recently when discussing my ever-nearing graduation date. They continued..."how can you know where to go and what to do if you don't know what you want?"

So here is my list of things i want in my life

1. I want a best friend and soul-mate (and yes i'm quite impatient about it)

2. I want to live to see my great-grandchildren

3. I want my children to know my father, even though they will never be able to meet him

4. I want to have a career i can be proud of and satisfied by, not just a paycheck

5. I want to see some of the world. I'm so greedy that i have to see all of the world, just some.

6. I want a guy that knows my coffee and ice-cream (which isn't that hard, Strong black coffee with a little stevia and coffee flavored ice cream) and brings them to me spontaneously just because he knows i like it

7. I want to sing on stages around the world

8. I want children that are social and strong

9. I want to make my nana proud

10. I want to inspire

11. I want to be inspired

12. I want to be as happy (or joyful if you will) as a I was at 11 or 12

13. I want to be seen for who i am, not as a pageant girl or a pastors kid or any of the other stereotypes that plague me

14. I want a love that is worthy of a best-seller

15. i want permanent friends

16. i want mango as often as possible

17. i want to be as strong and simultaneously as soft as my mother

18. I want to love him totally and completely with no thoughts of where and what i've been through

19. I want to honor my family

20. I want to someday enjoy the learning process

Daddy's Girl

2009-01-30T07:14:00.000-08:00

My Father was my hero

A strong and sturdy man

He taught me how to love my God

And how to trust His hand

My father was my idol

With talent i can't explain

He taught me how to praise my God

in happiness and pain

My father was my best friend

Always my midnight call

He taught me how to trust my God

Even when I take a fall

My father was my mentor

Telling me "yes, you can!"

He taught me how to praise my God

By being just who I am

Me father was my pastor

With faith unfailing and true

He taught me how to love my God

By loving all of you

My father is now in heaven

He lost his cancer fight

He taught me how to trust my God

Even in my darkest night

My father was my everything

But he is happier now

For he's praising our God in heaven

Just like he taught me how.

I miss you papa!

Church first, always

2009-01-23T07:40:00.000-08:00

Why is it that this school that makes people want to always discuss church? is there nothing else in the world that we can talk about? or is it just my own bitterness towards the institution of "the church" as a whole?

Unfortunately, I'm not quite sure and really have no way of figuring it out as of right now. So how do I now approach a group project in which others are excited and motivated to compare and contrast denominations and what effect they have on communication or vice versa?

Not sure but for right now I'm going to sit in class and be bitter...

Good-bye pageantry, hello real world!

2009-01-19T13:39:00.001-08:00

So for those of you who know me, you know that pageantry has been a major part of my life for over three years now. I know that doesn't seem like very long but trust me, on your sixth or seventh month of extreme dieting and 2-a-day workouts.... 3 years is an eternity.

Alas, this past weekend at the Kingsport Renaissance Center, I bid a fond farewell to an interestingly dramatic chapter of my life. Thankfully I was able to pass my title down to an incredible young lady that will carry the torch (or crown, as it were) for another year. She is an amazing person and if you ever get the chance to meet the new Miss First Frontier, please do so.

To lay gossip to rest, yes I was in fact larger than I was at Miss Tennessee. So you can stop chattering as though I had no idea that seven months ago I was a size two and now in January of 2009.... I am not! But thanks to the creative stylings of one Mrs. Ethel Smalley I was dressed to kill on saturday night.

Unfortunately for me, my computer crashed just days before taking with it my strategically planned and arranged farewell speech so in true Maddox fashion I flew by the seat of my pants and of course forgot half of what I was going to say. Oh well, I warned them ahead of time that I was not eloquent nor short-winded :).

So here's one final picture in the life and times of Miss First Frontier 2008

I'm not a virgin anymore"

2009-01-07T18:19:00.001-08:00

Is what a young teenage girl mouthed to her "bff" sitting across from her at the table.

Now I have been privy to numerous random table conversations in my lifetime but never have any of them started with this phrase. Nor would I have expected it to provoke such a response as what came out of "bff's" mouth.

"Oh, I 'm so excited! I'm so proud of you"

WWHHHATTTTTT?!?!?! is what immediately came to my mind, but maybe that's just me and my twisted way of thinking. Now I realize that in two months I'll will be marking a quarter century in my life, but am I that far removed that I am actually shocked at this conversation?

Man... I think I need to immerse myself in "Rockband" and "hannah montana" to re-introduce myself to "young society".

interesting

2008-12-04T14:49:00.000-08:00

So I was sitting in class today creating the website that was required of me. This site was to be 16 pages about specific memories in my life. Of course I had to write about family stuff and school stuff but I also added my pageant stuff. Only appropriate since that has been my life for three years.

The problem came when the girl sitting next to me, a girl I have worked with for over a month, didn't believe that the girl wearing the crown was actually me.

So I choose to place these pictures on here to show you that yes in fact I am a casual, fun-loving, non-brat girl that also happens to walk in 5 in heels and wear a crown. So the picture above is me conducting my own yard sale on a rather chilly saturday morning. The picture below is me in full-blown pageant mode. Yes ladies and gentlemen the girl under the crown is the same as the girl under the camo hat. There is no digital enhancement or photoshopping.

Wonders never cease huh?

lost to do, not much to say

2008-12-03T21:38:00.000-08:00

sorry its been so long, not that i have an abundance of followers or anything. But there is not much goin on other than trying to survive the last 3 days of my semester.

perhaps next week i feel a bit inspired to write something other than a newsletter or a media kit.

blah blah blah

2008-11-19T05:48:00.000-08:00

Very few things in life would make me happier than to spout some verbose pontification about the meaning of life, how the cold winter allows for the appreciation of spring or some other random useless pro. However on this 29 degree wednesday morning find myself lacking the creativity for such. So instead I will simply state that I miss Florida! I love the colors of fall and the incredible views one can find here in Cleveland but frankly nothing compares to a leisurely, cool stroll down an empty beach at dusk. That is my utopia

MRS. Degree

2008-11-11T15:21:00.000-08:00

what is with the freakin school....

"you better hurry and find your husband, gradaution is just around the corner..."

WTF?! 2 different girls in one class (a small class of 10) got engaged over the weekend. I mean seriously!?

What a difference a phone call can make

2008-11-04T14:51:00.000-08:00

8:00 alarm (yes it actually takes me this long to get out of bed and stumble to my kitchen in the morning)

8:10 start coffee

8:12 start the shower (dang it amy open your eyes)

8:30 get out of the shower (i think i fell asleep)

8:40 begin the "hair process"

11:15 complete the "hair process" (<---- no exaggeration)

11:30 make lunch (to go of course, class awaits)

12:00 at school, an hour before class so as to prepare the homework for class

1:00 class (coffee kicked in... AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH)

2:00 drive to chattanooga... supposedly

2:15 actually leave school for chattanooga (freaking interstate morons!!!!!! who drives 55 on I-75??)

3:00 Informational meeting with bigtime PR Firm owner (keep breathing)

3:30 headed back to cleveland (how are these same drivers on this side of the road)

4:00 crash on the bed (stress from the meeting killed the adrenaline)

5:00 phone call.... hello charmer...

Nothing else matters i am floating :)

throughout the course of my day I have had to be chipper amy, professional amy, student amy, creative amy, daughter amy and friend amy. At 5:00, that all stopped for twenty minutes, I got to just be Amy.

Thanks Charmer!!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2008-11-03T18:26:00.000-08:00

OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH.....

that's what i feel... have no other words

Don't ya hate that?!?

2008-10-21T14:31:00.000-07:00

so here I sit in all my "righteous anger"...

"I have been wronged..." "she hurt me..." "she is living that way..." "how can she be rewarded with love?"

pondering all of these things and wanting so badly to find a scripture about "Justice" that will validate my frustrations, i find this...

Micah 6:8

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

now all you scholars out there would say, don't take just a single scripture, that is out of contet. And usually i would say you are correct. However, God seems to work work in ironically humbling ways as apposed to mysterious (hand-waving and eye-rolling inserted here).

SHOT DOWN! thta's what i felt. I was angry and self-righteous, asking why she is being rewarded with happiness and success after having ruined a friendship for no reason! And yet, "He has SHOWED you..." He did not merely order or command me... He SHOWED me! He was betrayed far worse than i could ever imagine, and yet here i am shaking my fists at the sky.

How quickly we forget!

Once again i feel.... Wicked

2008-10-19T17:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever loved something so much that you feel it all the way through your bones? It's like electricity.

If you have known me for any length of time, you will know that i have always loved singing. Not just an appreciation for karaoke, i mean a deep down love for singing/performing. Over the last two years i have had to put that love on the back-burner in my life.

Thankfully i had the opportunity to see Wicked, in Atlanta this weekend (thanks Jenn). I sat in that audience, staring at a stage that i was born for. Now of course i'm speaking figuratively, not literally. Although the Fox Theatre is beauitful!

And Yes it is an amazing show that i enjoyed more than i can express. But it also served as a reminder of what it is that i love so much. What it is, that my father believed in and encouraged me to pursue. Frankly, what i was born to do. I miss it! I want to go back to it! But how?

and laughing

2008-10-15T17:18:00.000-07:00

Why do situations in life have to be awkward?

Can two people not inhabit a room for more than 3 minutes without some expression of disgust?

I understand that you are bitter towards me for being angry. But if oyu didn't want me to be angry with you, then why did you sleep with the him? On my birthday? In my house? while i was asleep?

Ya know, i would have been mad at the situation but i can respect and forgive honesty far more then what ACTUALLY happened. Two months later i find out through a separate, third party and instead of owning up to it, you advise me to be an adult... NOT COOL!!!

Ok but we could have possibly worked through that as well if you had taken three minutes to talk to a friend instead of narrowing your life to only allow your boyfriend in.

The point is however, it happened. Six months have passed since the initial injustice. I have moved on in my life, i do not care anymore. You are no longer a factor in the way my day plays out.

So why is that you insist upon flappin your gums and running your mouth? You can't even sit in a public place in close proximity to me. Ridiculous!

I don't understand, what's the point of growing up, if i'm going ot be the only one who does?

and all grown up??

2008-10-13T16:58:00.000-07:00

At one point does one person become an "adult?"

This afternoon my mothers response to this question was "I guess you become an adult when UPs delivers to your home..."

After pondering a bit I retorted, "I think it is when UPs delivers to your home and the first thing you do is take the receipt out of the package and file it away"

What do you think? At one point in your life did you realize, "Oh crap! I'm an adult!"

Twenty Something and figuring it out

2008-10-07T15:34:00.000-07:00

So here's my first blog. Ever the late bloomer, I've been writing for years but never put it out there for all the world to see. At this exact moment I'm not feeling particularly inspired, well actually I am but I'll have to write that all out later when I can reign in my thoughts.

so until then... hello world!